being friends with boys and actually talking to a boy you like is so different and i suck at it. i’m good at being friends with boys. it’s my specialty. i don’t pretend to like sports and cars and other stuff to impress them. i’ll be the first to admit, “i don’t know that much about this but here’s what i do know” or “i’ve never been the one to play video games.” i’m not going to pretend to love something and know all about it if i don’t. it just happens that i know a lot about sports, esp. football and basketball, that makes it easy for me. but boys you like, you can talk to them about guy things only to a certain extent. it’s too confusing. ahhhhh!

fact: i have been in only one relationship. i’m not really sure if you could call it a legitimate one because he was from camp and we hung out like twice when we got back and we were so young back then. i’ve always been fine being single. sure, there were some guys during the summers but they didn’t mean much. i was really content being single with no prospects senior year. i was comfortable with myself and i had reached that level of loving myself that is required before you should get into a relationship. at the same time, it’s not like i tried to reach that so i could start looking for a guy. 

i got to college and the random hook ups i got into were unfamiliar. granted, there weren’t that many of them and a couple of them weren’t one time things. i don’t know what would have happened with him if i hadn’t been into the other guys and seen if there was potential for a relationship. i was so dead set against staying single for at least the first semester. a few weeks into winter term, i realized i was sick of my school’s hook up culture. it’s ridiculous how bad the gender relations are. it brought me to my “no boys no booze” phase. it was pretty good for a while. what happened back in March really shook me though. i don’t think it changed me as much as others thought it would. at least, i don’t let it show. it’s still a memory that haunts me almost every day and i can’t seem to escape it. but it did push me further into wanting a legitimate relationship with someone. no one night stands, no whenever it’s convenient, but a guy who would like me for me and only me. 

that’s why when i started talking to him, i was willing to let my friends help me with the texts and be more open about telling them stuff so that they could help me figure it out. my friends back home would have been surprised at how willing i was to let my friends help me because i usually never talk about boys i actually like. the couple months we talked and hung out were great. of course, it sucked that it had to happen at the end of the year but i’m glad it happened. we’ve only talked a couple times since i got home but i think it’s actually better this way. i don’t think i would’ve wanted a guy to talk to almost every day and i’d rather get to know him more in person instead of by phone 500 miles away. who knows if we’ll talk a few more times this summer or if something will come from this in the fall?

my biggest worry about anything happening in the fall is i don’t know if i’m ready. that girl who loved herself and was perfectly content single was shattered back in March. i’m not that girl anymore. my independence has strengthened and weakened at the same time. i’ve become even more determined to prove that a guy doesn’t define me and yet i want a guy in my life who cares about me. i always believed that if i was ever going to jump into a relationship, i would have already been happy and that it would just make me happier. i don’t want to start anything with him thinking that this is what will make me happy. and he’s also a veems…

but then again, i’m also thinking about things in one way. maybe he’ll have changed his mind about me by the time we get back and i’ll be 110% single again. but only time will tell.

i’m not a jealous person. i’m really not, especially when it comes to boys. 

apparently, A told B that i’m sick. i don’t know exactly what she said but it seems that she made it sound like i’m so sick that i would miss Christmas weekend. well, that’s a problem because maybe he was planning on asking me to be his date for this weekend but he obviously couldn’t if i’m too sick to go out. how do i know this? last night was Christmas in the Country. i ran into him at the party and he was surprised to see me and said, “i thought you were sick.” wait what? how did you even find out? we talked for a bit but he had to leave because these upperclassmen guys were trying to talk to him and rush stuff always comes first. he told me to text him when i was leaving though because he wanted to head back with me.

i ended up not heading back with him but with a bunch of my other friends. we hung out in the guys’ hall and talked. we got restless so then we started running around the dorm, being really loud even though it was after quiet hours. A didn’t come back with us so i texted her to make sure she was okay. turns out she’s in B’s room watching The 70’s Show. C got really pissed because A has pulled this shit on me before and is always flirting with guys that our friend group is with. i didn’t even know how to react so i was just like “oh?” she’s my friend so i should trust her but the thing is she’s like a guy when she’s drunk. she goes after whatever guy is near her because she always feels the compulsion to hook up. so who the eff know’s what happened in that room last night? and if they really were just watching TV, they totally would have heard us dorm storming because to go from the room we were in to the stairs or anywhere else, we had to pass B’s room.

today after lunch, i ran into B. he was doing the raffle thing and trying to win the TimeShare to the Bahamas and was joking around with me about how he might take me with him if he won. we were both headed to our dorms so we walked together. i asked if he was going out tonight because i was thinking about it and it turned out he had been invited to a fraternity dinner so he wasn’t going to the big party tonight. he was just like, “why are you going out? you’re sick!” i’m just like “no…” his face just said, “what the eff?” and “oh shit” at the same time and when i asked him if he was excited for this weekend, he answered, “umm…yeah…i guess.”

i tried to talk to A at dinner about what exactly she said to him and she blew it off saying that she just told him that i was sick. i swear if he didn’t ask me because he thought i was really sick, i’m going to be beyond pissed.

she’s stolen a guy from me before. me and D had been talking all night and having fun, just laughing at his crazy stories when she just swooped in outta nowhere even though a few minutes ago she was like, “you guys are having fun.” fine, that situation turned out fine because he hates her now and me and D are good friends. also, when we went to dinner with a bunch of people including B, she was all over him. linking arms with him and flirting even though i was right there. i blew it off because she’s just a big flirt but you just don’t do that to a good friend.

i can’t even get her to talk to me about it. she’s always defensive and blaming school work for all her stress so that she has no time to talk. when she’s drunk, all me and C wanna do is go off on our own and avoid her. it’s so freaking frustrating. she’s tried to mess up two of our friends to but they’re together now and it’s all good. me and B, it’s still unsure so it’s like she could easily mess it up. it’s making me realize that i really do care about this guy and i would be so pissed of things went bad.

i really don’t think i’m overreacting. am i?

i totally forgot about how we met during orientation week. i was reading old posts and i was like “holy shit that’s him!” i wasn’t feeling you that night even though you kept trying to hold my hand. sorry about that. i don’t know why. i definitely thought you were cute and funny. you treated me so well the night of the rave. most of it is a blur but i do remember you helping me find the bathroom, dancing with me, finding my friends so that they wouldn’t worry, and sitting with me on the curb while we waited for traveller. i don’t remember details but i do remember that we had a pretty legit talk. i was so honest with you. i don’t even know why but you totally got me. well, either that or you were just agreeing with me to try to get with me. but i’m gonna take it as that you understood me because you didn’t really try. we just cuddled and i was really happy. after that, we only said hi and made small talk whenever we saw each other around campus and at parties. the other night though, i love how you confronted it right away. “i think i feel some tension between us…sexual tension.” simple and to the point and you totally had me smiling like an idiot. i like how it’s so laid back and pressure free with you. you know how to make me laugh. you came up in a conversation and my friend’s sister who was visiting asked who you were so we told her the whole story. i like how after when we ran into you later in the day, as soon as you left she was like that’s him right? she was just like no there was definitely a vibe and he’s into you. you definitely act like it too. maybe you’re just having fun and i shouldn’t let myself get attached but either way, you’re a chill guy. i just question it because you are a ladies’ man. you’re so freaking charismatic and charming that all the girls fall for it. i’m trying to tell myself to calm down and let it play out and see how it goes. but still, i think you’re really cute.

i don’t know what we are. i’m not sure if i should meet up with you one last time before i leave. i don’t know if it’ll be a mistake but i guess i’ll know afterwards if we do.

a few weeks ago, my friends laughed at a confession of mine. they thought i wasn’t serious and it’d be over in like 2 weeks. it turns out they should have been serious because it’s been way past 2 weeks.. actually i don’t know. i’m still figuring it out. but most likely, yes.

i really do think i jinx myself. i get to be good friends with a guy, nothing more really. just another one of my close guy friends. and then stupidly i think “oh hey, he’s really chill and we’ll be friends for a while.” and that’s where it all comes crumbling down.

that was really crappy but honestly i’m too upset/angry/i don’t freaking know to think right now.

that movie was freaking amazing. Steve Carrell and his usual funny, awkward self. Ryan Gosling with his chiseled abs, good looks, and charismatic presence. Emma Stone and her gorgeous red hair. it also got me thinking…

the perfect one, your soulmate. who knows if it really exists? the jury’s still out on that one for me. as cynical as i am, i kinda wanna believe that this person exists and i’ll meet him in the future. but honestly, he’s gonna have to be some crazy understanding person to deal with my bipolar mood swings, independence, my tendency to be close friends with guys, and just plain ol’ psychotic-ness.